What's (not) common about all swinging venues?
Why this page?
We see this question get discussed a lot and a lot of mis-information posted, so we put this page up. Keep in mind this page isn't meant to be the 'end all' comparison guide. This is our attempt to offer some insight into the varied places one can have sex, both with one's partner and with others. Below is meant to attempt to highlight many of differences. We might have missed a few, please pass them on. Also we do have a newbies page to help those who are just embarking into the swinging lifestyle.
Remember, no two people 'see' the same location or type of swinging venue equally. Please however be aware of the 'harm' done by many men's magazine's writings. Most are fiction marketed as 'trip reports' or 'letters to the editor' or similar. Truthful value (of the magazines) versus reality has shown their accuracy to be highly questionable. It was a learning experience, or more exactly an unlearning experience for both of us when we first got into the lifestyle. We both have read porn magazines for years.
Hotel Parties - unique attributes
A 'couple' at a hotel party can be dates, fuck buddies (anyone who has one partner they live with and another that they play with), married couples or long term committed couples (singles living together long term). Some bolder guys have shown up at a party with a 'rental' lady (professional) in tow. Most hotel parties start at 8pm on Saturday nights. Organizers all have a structure of behavior rules, collect $ 'contributions' to offset the rooms' costs and determine the party goer's list. Typically in a two bedroom suite with two beds in each bedroom. A pull out couch or a few air mattress' may supplement the hotel's bedding at a few. BYOB is common at most, but one we know of one that is a strict 'dry' party. Almost all start with a in room social that occurs in the first half hour or so of the evening; everyone is all together in the living room of the suite. This makes it a very friendly social atmosphere. No sex occurs in this room until later in the night, this is after the front door is 'closed' (no one else can enter). Some mistakenly refer to this as just like a Meet-n-Greet, in many ways it is far from! Meet-n-Greets are social only events - NO SEX happens as they are held in public areas.
The 'no pressure' and the 'no means no' rules are rigorously enforced by all the hosts we know of. There are a very few groups that have mandatory nudity (after 9:30pm), play or even full swap for their parties! A very few new male attendees have shown an 'expectation' of having sex without some preliminary glance, touch or conversation. These few isolated moments were 'fixed' by saying 'no' and their expectations vanished. However the effect didn't. This has been known to be a significant distraction and or mood breaker for some women. Hotel parties, to varying degrees don't have an invite first rule.
Most party hosts provide a simple buffet of munchies, sodas, water and ice. One has crock pots of meats in sauces and deli meat + cheese platters. Another has 3-foot heroes. Still another has a 'covered dish' party as part of the social. At this covered dish party there are many foods: pasta, meat, vegetable and more dishes present. Some homemade, other store bought. Quite often at this same covered dish party there are several types of deserts too. Beyond this provided food bring everything you must have to enjoy yourself like lube, condoms or even a toy!
So why do the hotel swing parties have these solo single guys present? The reason is that 'some women ask for these extra men to be present'. Hosts will invite these additional men (solo single guys) to create what they feel is a 'gender balance' for their parties. Bi-sexual women though find the presence of these extra guys end up creating a somewhat 'competitive' atmosphere for the other bi ladies. All the men (women too) at a hotel party are free to roam, including the all of the ones from the couples! One would think that the men from all the couples would roam, right? Do they? Yes and no....Hence the solo single guy presence.
FWIW many bisexual women we've talked to, when in 'F-F' play scene want a degree of solitude; saying 'no' and then resuming after the mood has already been broken doesn't bring it back. Most guys work this way, many women don't. Conversely when that very same woman is in a 'MM-F' or more play scene extra hands and cocks are a big plus! Here's a quote from Wham Bam Sammy to remember: 'Women rule, guys drewl!' A 'solution' to this effect is perplexing and being pondered by some highly respected party hosts, but expect that there may be NO solution.
Nizam, a party host recently replied to us on this topic; an extract of it: "...I believe single guys must become more sensitive to the scenes as they develop. If you are not in the 'scene' as it begins observe.....find some eye contact that would allow you 'in' or not. Ask if you can participate instead of poking and probing. Communication, communication, communication..." Very wise words in our opinion.
Adult Book Stores - unique attributes
AKA ABS's. Largely frequented by gay or bi single males (95-99%) outside of the few couples being present. Many of the people that go to ABS' like the anonymous or 'no strings' sex that ABS's provide. For them it's a 'safe' outlet for (safer than parks, toilets or cars) them. Couples that like a large amount of single guys around love the ABS scene, especially those looking for multiple fuckings in quick succession. Some thrive on being the 'cum slut' of the day, some swallowing others not. On Couples Party Nights at a few ABS's the stores may allow the solo single guys to be in the couples area. A few do have a secured couples area that the singles guys can peek into, but most, especially ABS theaters make no attempt at all. We have seen the Adult Book Store (aka ABS) 'scene' change greatly over the last 35 years. Expect others to possibly tell you of their experiences at other ABS's that 'could be', 'still be' or be 'memories of the past'.
Expect a few to more than a few in the crowd will be 'hormonally driven' and need to be told your limits, sometimes reminded more than once or not respecting them at all. On busy nights (in these one room theaters), when a popular couple has posted they are going expect it to get like a rush hour subway train at times. People may move to-and-fro making light to not so light contact with others, sometimes from all directions at once. The gay and bi guys may touch or attempt to touch other guys penis' too; expect more than a few unwanted tugs on your cock. Depending on who you are this can be very intoxicating or extremely frightening. Some perceive this closeness as a 'pressure to participate' as many of these other people could be inside your 'magic 9 square feet' (3x3 feet) comfort zone. Do all ABS's get this intense? No, but weekend nights can often be like this at Berlin News and elsewhere.
Swingers couples clubs - unique attributes
A very few swingers couples clubs admit ANY solo single males. A policy of "Couples Only" is the norm, especially in the NYC metropolitan region. Swing clubs to varying degrees exclude dates and fuck buddies. Those that do admit solo single males limit them to a specific night, typically the first Friday of the month or only one day a week. All subject the solo single males to a very low quota limit (we've heard less than 15). They say it's based on the amount of couples in attendance at the club that night. With the expectation that only a few per night are admitted reservations are recommended.
A few clubs define 'couples' as restricted to long term committed couples only. A few require proof that you live together. Some of those have a process to independently prove your residency at the address you've provided to them. Dates, fuck buddies (anyone who has one partner they live with and another that they play with) or rented pros are weeded out by most thru rigorous initial screening processes. Don't snicker, some women have attempting to bring in paid escorts too!
Adult Book Stores - usually very little to none. Got cash and look over 18? Youngish looking people may get carded. Attendees that require no accountability or anonymous sex seek ABS's out more often. Some feel there are those that leverage this lack of identification to an abusive advantage. We've never heard of a single female in this context, only solo single guys.
Hotel Parties - usually organized and run by the owners/moderators/founders of an internet e-mail list, many times on Yahoo! Groups. Admission to these lists usually is granted based on a minimum of personal detail presented in a profile: Gender, age, geographic location and whether the profile is a couple or single. Many party hosts use a cell phone to 'voice verify' the female part of the couple when new members apply. Some people prefer hotel parties because they do not want to share their personal ID info with the swingers couples clubs. Some hotel party groups are by referral only. For a few the 'neutral ness' of a hotel is appealing, based on 'concerns of being seen going into, out of or near' the other seaxual oriented places.
Swing Clubs - ask for and confirm your personal identity details and residency. Some new swingers are not comfortable with this being shared for various reasons, some very valid sounding, some less so, and the rest bordering on the ridiculous. Most swingers clubs will photocopy your state issued photo ID's, make you sign privacy disclosures, agree to a lengthily set of club rules, a privacy agreement (what goes on here stays here) and sign off on a damage waiver. Many confirm postal mailing addresses prior to full membership being granted. A contact e-mail address is required, e-mail newsletters are sent out as well.
Adult Book Store theaters Admission starts at $10 each, a few will only charge the guys. The highest we've seen for normal admission on non-party nights is $40 per couple. Some allow women in for free, a few only on party nights though. The video peep show booths take quarters.
Hotel Parties start at $20 to around $80 per couple, typically $40-45 is charged. Some charge solo singles guys $15-50 more. Almost all allow unaccompanied single women in for free. A simple snacks and soda buffet is include by most hosts. Most provide condoms.
Swingers couples clubs vary from a low of $20 on Wednesday nights to $125 or more on Saturdays. Special events (New Years, Super Bowl, etc) could be $20-75 higher. Most on weekdays offer a single course meal (included in fees quoted), weekends a 2-3 course meal. Yearly memberships fees vary between $75 to 300 or more (1-4 mandatory full fee attendance). Party fees are not included in the yearly memberships fees. BYOB for alcohol at most, one club we know of is dry.
Corrections are requested and expected. It's OK to tell us we've got it all wrong about this or that above --- just don't drop a building on our heads!!! There may be a few minor variations to the unique attributes below we've missed or possibly incorrectly described too. Our day jobs aren't as professional writers! Also don't expect all places offering a type of scene to offer all of the same things listed below or enforce the regimes stated above equally either. Do your own investigating after you have read this page.
Last updated Monday, December 01, 2008
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