Di's response to common questions

Beyond the rude stuff, there is a topic of question that I get more than any other. The question is "how do I find a woman like you who will swing with me?" or "how do I convince my wife to try swinging?"

I want to start with a disclaimer of sorts. I do hope that the guys reading this don't read the disclaimer only and decide that this is the solution.

I always knew that swinging was something I wanted to try. I have always been very adventurous sexually. I started reading graphic pornography at the age of 16. I knew how to bring myself to orgasm by age 22 and regularly watched porn films from age 26 on. Now, the surprise in all that: I was a virgin until I was 29. I think the security of knowing who I was and not "needing" a man to fulfill my sexual desires made me understand that sex and relationships are not one and the same. Many women do think they are one and the same. I don't know if those women can be convinced otherwise, nor do I think that trying to convince them is the right thing to do.

As answer to the first question, (How do I find a woman who will swing with me?) I have two answers. If you are looking for a "fuck buddy" relationship with no strings, you will have to become a "vetted" male in a group and find a single woman in that group who wants the same thing. Get together with her only when there are parties that the two of you want to attend. This type of relationship does have some down sides however. First, many couples, us included, will not choose to meet with a "fuck buddy" type couple. Second, it is in its very nature transient. Each of you are bound to want to go somewhere that the other is unavailable for or doesn't want to go. Either of you may find someone you want to have a relationship with and therefore no more "fuck buddy". But, this may be exactly what you want.

So, if you are looking for a long term relationship with someone or are already in a great marriage and then you want to be able to swing with them, how do you do it? Well, first you need to take the swinging off the table and spend time looking and working on the relationship. I am not going to tell you how to work on the relationship. There are millions of self help books and hundreds of magazine articles every month about that. But, what I will tell you from a woman's point of view, is that if you want to get past the first type of swing partner ("fuck buddy") the relationship is the most important part.

Of course if sex is important to you, you will be looking for someone who is compatible. Exploring sexuality in a comfortable, safe, intimate and trusting environment is the first step for developing a long lasting relationship that will also be "fun" sexually. Being open with each other and sharing fantasies (with NO STRINGS) will lead you to the place where that relationship is comfortable existing. Masturbate in front of each other. Some will stop at verbally sharing fantasies, next might be sharing those fantasies by watching porn videos of those fantasies. Next maybe live sex shows or a visit to a "watch and be watched" party. Each step you take must include extensive interactive talk before hand, agreed to actions to take (or not take) each time the next level is reached and the ability to back up, no questions asked, if one person in the partnership is not comfortable.

The key is taking small steps that you are both comfortable and knowing that there is a long life ahead of you to try more. For example, if you decide to go to a "watch and be watched" party together and decide that you will stay clothed and only stay for 2 hours, don't let your hormones dictate a change in that. The woman you are with is looking for her ability to trust you. You need to prove EVERY time that she (and your relationship) is more important to you than anything you want to do sexually. This is a very difficult thing to get most men to understand. The old adage that there is only enough blood to run one head at a time, sometimes makes it seem impossible for a man to make a decision with the head that has logical ability. If you do leave early because she is uncomfortable, there should be no arguing and no blaming. Discuss yes, but no where should the words "I wanted to stay and I left for you so you owe me" even enter your brain let alone be said aloud. Your priority is your relationship. To hell with the rest.

We were open with each other about sex before we even met. After all we had been cybering on web cams in front of hundreds of people for 2 1/2 years before we met in person. Our in person experimentation began with nude beaches and adult bookstores. We watched porn and were on cam together in front of others.

For us, we talked for hundreds of hours before we went to our first swing club. We set levels of activity and assigned them a number from 1 - 10. While we are social drinkers, we didn't drink at swing parties for the first 6 months of "swing" activity. We didn't want to make any "sperm of the moment" decisions and certainly wanted to think with a fully attuned brain. Still to this day, we talk about every outing and plan what we are comfortable with. Just because we did it before, doesn't mean it is a given that we will do it again. There are times when I just am not feeling secure enough to watch Hoople with anyone. I never get grief about it and I don't have to explain myself. He takes my mood for what it is and I am entitled to my own feelings. This in itself is a great way to help me feel secure. The bottom line for him (and many men who have learned the hard way) is that he gets much more in the long run from keeping me happy.

I am sure there are as many stories about a swinging couples relationship as there are swinging couples, but I do get these questions all the time and wanted to take a moment to explain how we got to where we are.

Another thing that I will say, is that the men who say to me that they want to get their wives to play and are chatting with me behind their wives backs, (or worse yet, showing up at a party as a single man) will NEVER get their wives to play. They are living a life of deception which is in direct opposition to a happy and healthy marriage which can produce lusciously exciting and variety in their sex life.


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Last updated November 17, 2004

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