A few thoughts
about party behavior
I've been to several swing parties now, and I've decided to write a bit
about what I've seen that I have and haven't liked in the behavior of my fellow
attendees. Consider this a bit of a Ms. Manners Guide to Swing Party Etiquette.
- Be respectful of
the other party-goers! Sure, we all like to watch, but don't stare at
people playing as if they were animals on a display at a zoo. Running
commentary about the action going on and speculation about who wants to do
what with whom is also VERY bad form. No one can tell you what you may and
may not think. However please leave these kinds of thoughts unspoken.
- Be even MORE
respectful of the other party-goers! If you want to play with someone new,
try to feel them out for what they do and don't like. Some people like a
bit of nipple-biting, hair-pulling and ass-slapping. Some people, believe
it or not, hate all of those things. Some people like to actually have sex
at parties, some prefer oral or just a bit of messing around here and
there. Respect their limits. Do not presume that what someone does with
another they will do with you as well, should they choose to play with
- Be UNBELIVABLY
respectful of the other party-goers! You may feel that swinging is a dark,
dirty, shameful thing. And that might well be what you like about it. The
person next to you may be a sexual idealist and think themselves (and
everyone else at that party) to be amazing, wonderful, questioning human
beings looking for pleasure and self-knowledge. Respect your fellow
swingers as people, respect their views and treat them as you'd want to be
treated in any conventional social situation.
- Be nice to your
hosts. Yes, even if you are paying to get into the party. Calling a few
hours beforehand and asking if they need anything is a VERY nice gesture.
Keep track of your own soda cans and/or glasses, plates, and napkins. Make
sure that any condoms you use get into the trashcan, along with their
wrappers! Take a few minutes to help make new group members feel
comfortable, even if you are not particularly interested in playing with
them. Just remember this…most anything that would make your life easier
when you throw a regular party will make your hosts lives easier as well.
- Be cool. Relax. If
you play, cool. If you don't play, cool. Somewhat less cool? Perhaps. But
it's still cool. Be prepared to enjoy conversation and hanging out as much
as anything else. People are much more attracted to those who seem
confident and relaxed most everywhere in life, and at swing parties this
is especially true.
- MEN: Remember that
no matter how harmless your intentions, if a woman doesn't know you fairly
well, she may be made uncomfortable or feel intimidated by very strong
sexual advances. Approach gently.
- WOMEN: Men have the
right to not want to play with you, just as you're allowed to not want
them. If and when someone you are interested in says “No”, smile, say “Oh
well”, and get over it. If they are rude about it, they won't last long in
the scene anyway.
Know BEFORE you arrive at a party what the rules between you and your
signifigant other for playing with others are, and FOLLOW YOUR RULES! The
middle of a party is NOT the time to decide to re-negotiate these
things. There will be other parties, and what you don't do at this
party, you can do at another.
- Practice impeccable
personal hygiene!!! Have brushed teeth, no stubble and no body odor. Trust
me on this one, if personal hygiene is too much bother, you won't be
invited back to many functions. Looking nice is good, but at least be
fanatical about personal hygiene!
- If you want to play
with one or both members of a couple, and that couple is game, great! Just
remember to show courtesy and respect (there's that word again) to both
members of said couple. Show respect for their relationship, and
appreciation that you're being allowed to play with either or both of
- If you want to play
with a pair or a group that is already playing, approach gently. Do not
try to jump into the middle of the action. Start with a hand on the
shoulder, maybe a caress on the arm or the side...Give them a chance to invite
you into their scene. If they pull away, or are not encouraging, leave
them be. Do not take it personally, do not be offended, and do not keep
pressing. If you are cool and respectful, one or each of them may well
play with you at another time. If you are aggressive and ignoring their
wishes, you will leave a bad impression that you may not be able to
- Watching and being
watched is great, but when watching others play, be considerate. Be
relaxed, don't crowd those you're watching. Be quiet, because it's not
nice to break their groove, the focus of those that are in the middle of
- At these parties
there is a separate conversation area, if you want to take a break and
chat about whatever, get dressed and go outside. Listening to you chat
about your timeshare does NOT increase my enjoyment of what I'm doing in
any way, shape, or form. This doesn't mean you can't speak, it just means
you should be considerate of those in the middle of enjoying themselves.
- Know thyself. Do
not play like a 21-year old Olympic athlete unless that is your reality.
No matter how great the party, it's not worth several weeks in traction.
- Again, know
thyself. It is best not to do in the heat of the moment that which you
will feel guilty or regretful about later. If it happens that you do
something like this in the heat of the moment, it's not the end of the
world. Actually, it happens to the best of us. Within reason, handle your
feelings as you see fit.
- Everyone is there
to have fun. Remember this. Even those you are close friends with do not
wish to deal with your drama at a party. If you have an issue with
someone, discreetly take them aside. Even better, discreetly take them
outside, and discuss the situation quietly. If it turns into a real
argument, either put it off until later or leave the party premises until
it is over. Swing parties are NOT the time for fights, confrontations or
- Discretion is
EVERYTHING to the large majority of swingers. Do NOT discuss parties with
non-group members, never mention names, and remember that a quiet
discussion in a public place can still be overheard. Above all things: In
swinging, be discreet.
- If you feel a party
rule is being violated, take a host aside, discreetly tell them what you
saw or experienced, and then let it go. It is now in the hands of the
- There will never be
a day in this world without at least one misunderstanding occurring. If
something happens at a party or in a group that you do not like, try to be
open-minded. Try to understand the viewpoints and foibles of others. Don't
leave a group that you have loved in a moment of anger over something
that, in the long run, might not turn out to be not all that important.